Losing Nacho, Wasted Time & Moving Forward

Hi everyone. Wow… It’s really been FOREVER since I sat down and wrote such a personal blog.

But with the recent passing of our dear Nacho Boy, my mind has been racing, I have so many thoughts, so much to share. I started to journal and in the end, decided to share my thoughts with you all here. 

The last week has felt like a month.

Losing Nacho has been our biggest heartbreak, and as a family we are hurting, but also more connected than ever. 

Days are going by so slowly and everything reminds us of him.

Our logical mind knew at 11 years old… his days were numbered… but our minds forgot to tell our hearts, so deep inside we are hurting and missing our best friend so much.

If you ever had the chance to meet Nacho, you know that he was so much more than just a dog.

He was a pup from Mexico with all the odds against him, a runt of the litter saved by Justin’s brother Matt and delivered to us in July 2014. We had no idea what that gift was going to bring us. 

From the streets of Mexico to Canada, to billboards in New York, to being featured on The Ellen Show, magazine covers, local TV shows, his own Instagram account, he amassed hundreds of millions of friends, we didn’t just love Nacho, the world loved Nacho. 

He even went viral again just in the final week of his life. 

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Jillian Harris (@jillian.harris)

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by Justin Pasutto (@justinpasutto)

For the last 11 years, he has been through the most formative milestones for our family, like starting a family, helping raise our babies with love and play, new homes, adopting Peaches…our new life at the farm… he was woven into the fabric of everything that we are and everything that we do. 

Nacho brought us so much joy, love, and happiness and we are so overwhelmed with the thought of not seeing him again. 

He slept in our beds, he sat beside us while we worked all day. He travelled with us. He always sat right by our feet anytime we were in the kitchen, despite tripping over him over and over, we knew there would come a day that we would miss it. 

He had a heart as big as the world, his love was so strong. And everyone who met Nacho could feel it. 

One of the biggest things I am struggling with through this is the concept of time. I feel like we blinked and Leo is 8, Annie is 6, and Nacho has now passed. Where did the time go? 

I can’t feel all the joy in those 11 years and it’s hurting me because I know it was there. 

I woke up this morning and walked down the hall. For the first time in 11 years, I didn’t hear his little footprints behind me.

For the first time in 11 years, I didn’t sit on the kitchen floor, before even opening my eyes, to get that morning snuggle. He would press his chest so hard into me in the morning. I could feel his whole beautiful heart on mine. I would hold my face against his and tell him every morning he was a good boy. And he would stay just like this, until I got what I needed. He was like a Disney Park Character, never first to let go of a hug. 

Over the coming days & weeks, we will start to identify how our family looks without our sweet boy.

And while I try to focus on the joy of those 11 years, I am not just grieving Nacho. I’m grieving the loss of time. I’m grieving with guilt and pain of what I could’ve done differently to prevent his story ending this way. It wasn’t supposed to go this way.

He was supposed to walk the kids down the aisle. 

There were signs. I took him to our vet a handful of times in the last four years as he seemed to be going through some kind of episode (for other dog parents, his eyes would be rolling into the back of his head, and he would be trembling almost like a stroke… they didn’t last long but they were scary). I realize now, it was the tumour forming. Why didn’t I advocate for him more? How did I not realize he was suffering? Endless what ifs and questions that will never get answered consume me.

But my biggest regret… that will change me forever, is that of the lost time. 

Wasted Time

Not just time passing but WASTED time, specific to Nacho’s passing but something I painfully recognize from the last 10 or so years as it relates to my life with my children, Justin, Mom, Dad, friends… where did the time go and how have I spent that time? I have regrets.  

And the most recent regret starts with our recent trip to Hawaii. It’s not Hawaii that I regret, but what happened when we got to Hawaii. On February 13th, we went to Hawaii to bond with our children, our family, and each other. A place that we have been going to since the year I met Justin, it feels like home for us, where we can partially disconnect, rest our bodies, and focus on those deep connections with our children. 

Despite navigating a challenging situation that one of my businesses was facing, as well as the political climate between the USA and Canada… we still decided to go on our trip to Maui. The trip was pre-booked months ago, and no one could have predicted the shit show, for the lack of better word, that was hitting us this very week. 

While being in Maui, I felt there was still joy to share with my community. After all, sharing this type of content has been the foundation of my entire business. To share love, joy, inspiration, connection and community.

We have generously shared these moments and so many intimate parts of our life with this community over the last 15 years. We have shared births, deaths, engagements, mental struggles… the good and the bad, the deepest part of our lives, we have shared with you. Most times it’s beautiful, how our life has also become our very public career. But sometimes, it is so so cruel.  

While we shared our trip in those first few days… the majority of you were lovingly supportive. 

But the small handful of comments that came in, full of judgment, shame, spite… was enough to send us spiralling. This is not new to me. This is something I have struggled with since the day I made my life public. Unfortunately, I have never really figured out a way to get used to it. 

On top of navigating a challenging business situation, and trying to grapple with the disappointment and expectations of strangers on the Internet regarding us travelling to the US during the Tariff threats… our first week in Maui was a write off. I was not present and I was full of anxiety, defeating our main purpose of the trip. 

About 6 days into our trip, my in-laws asked us to go to church. If you are this far into the blog you know that I don’t attend church often. But I love experiencing local culture and felt the experience and shift in energy would be good for my soul and our family. So we went. And I am telling you it was the most BEAUTIFUL experience. 

As we sat down, the father asked who was new or visiting. He asked those visiting to stand up and when we did, the entire congregation clapped, he asked where we were from and we said Canada. Then a little Hawaiian boy, who could not have been more than five years old, came up with beautiful seashell necklaces and put them on our necks. In that moment, my heart cracked in half and it took everything in me to hold back the tears. 

In that very beautiful moment, it made me realize how the narrative these days has consumed us so much… that many of us have become so divided, so quick to judge. Instead of presuming goodwill and prioritizing what we need the most right now, which is community, trust, goodness, and faith in humankind. 

Instead, we are letting toxic voices consume us, overcome us with fear and pain and anger. 

I choked back the tears through the entire service but I have so much gratitude for that day, and I will hold onto that necklace forever.

After our church experience I looked to Justin and told him… “I think we need to extend our trip. I owe it to the kids”

So we did.

What those three extra days would eventually cost me is something I will never forgive myself for. 

Please stay with me so I can explain. 

Losing Nacho

Melissa (our Nanny who stays with the dogs while we are gone) had her own family trip booked, scheduled to leave the day we were supposed to return… which meant just for three short days the dogs had to go to a home-based kennel now. Somewhere they’ve been before and somewhere they loved.

But this time, little did I know… Nacho was in his final days. 

He was suffering. And he needed us. He needed to be at home. 

The second we picked him up we knew that something was very wrong.

On top of grieving Nacho, this is what I cannot let go of… I would give ANYTHING, to go back to February 13th.  

To drown out the noise. Stand firm in my priorities and decisions. Focus on my family. Shut off my phone. Instead I foolishly let it all consume me. And lately I have been spiraling thinking about ALL of the times over the last 10 years, I have wasted time like this… in an effort to please others. 

I have failed all of those times.. And that time is now gone.  

I have learned so much about myself over the years with this incredible opportunity that I have on this platform. Because of those learnings, specifically in the last few years, I have made a lot of changes. I have tried SO HARD to not let the expectations of others consume me. I even wrote a keynote on how to “Live Your Life For Joy and Not Approval” but I still grapple with this concept every day.

Yes, this career has brought me a beautiful life that I’m so grateful for. It has also brought me a deep connection with kind, compassionate people around the world…  But it has also brought me pain. And I have let it happen over and over again. 

I regret it so badly, not just for the pain I allowed in my own heart but for the time it has taken me away from my kids, my partner, my hobbies, my family, my friends, my own self… from Nacho. I am the only one to blame for the wasted time. 

If we had not extended our trip, the results would have been the same, but we would have been able to see our boy acting himself in his final days. And I let that be taken from me. 

I can’t live my life WORRYING ABOUT THE SATISFACTION OF OTHERS when that time can be spent doing so many more purposeful things. I am proud of who I am. How I have made my life and career purposeful. I know I won’t get it right in everyone’s eyes and I have to learn to be ok with that.

I know if I don’t, I will regret it. And now I know that regret hurts more than the fear of not being liked. 

Moving Forward

My biggest takeaway from all of this, that I wish I didn’t have to learn the hard way, is that time is fleeting.

You blink and it’s gone. You can’t get time back.

So live your life for YOU and don’t allow outside noise to intrude your thoughts and let it affect the way you show up for yourself and your family.

If you take anything away from this, please let it be this, to make the time we have on this earth count.  

I leave you with my favourite video of all time. Your life in Jelly Beans. 

Every time I watch it, it’s a reality check as to how much time we have left. How do I want to spend that time… How do you? 

xo

Jilly