Hi everyone. Wow… It’s really been FOREVER since I sat down and wrote such a personal blog.
But with the recent passing of our dear Nacho Boy, my mind has been racing, I have so many thoughts, so much to share. I started to journal and in the end, decided to share my thoughts with you all here.
The last week has felt like a month.
Losing Nacho has been our biggest heartbreak, and as a family we are hurting, but also more connected than ever.
Days are going by so slowly and everything reminds us of him.
Our logical mind knew at 11 years old… his days were numbered… but our minds forgot to tell our hearts, so deep inside we are hurting and missing our best friend so much.
If you ever had the chance to meet Nacho, you know that he was so much more than just a dog.
He was a pup from Mexico with all the odds against him, a runt of the litter saved by Justin’s brother Matt and delivered to us in July 2014. We had no idea what that gift was going to bring us.
From the streets of Mexico to Canada, to billboards in New York, to being featured on The Ellen Show, magazine covers, local TV shows, his own Instagram account, he amassed hundreds of millions of friends, we didn’t just love Nacho, the world loved Nacho.
He even went viral again just in the final week of his life.
For the last 11 years, he has been through the most formative milestones for our family, like starting a family, helping raise our babies with love and play, new homes, adopting Peaches…our new life at the farm… he was woven into the fabric of everything that we are and everything that we do.
Nacho brought us so much joy, love, and happiness and we are so overwhelmed with the thought of not seeing him again.
He slept in our beds, he sat beside us while we worked all day. He travelled with us. He always sat right by our feet anytime we were in the kitchen, despite tripping over him over and over, we knew there would come a day that we would miss it.
He had a heart as big as the world, his love was so strong. And everyone who met Nacho could feel it.
One of the biggest things I am struggling with through this is the concept of time. I feel like we blinked and Leo is 8, Annie is 6, and Nacho has now passed. Where did the time go?
I can’t feel all the joy in those 11 years and it’s hurting me because I know it was there.
I woke up this morning and walked down the hall. For the first time in 11 years, I didn’t hear his little footprints behind me.
For the first time in 11 years, I didn’t sit on the kitchen floor, before even opening my eyes, to get that morning snuggle. He would press his chest so hard into me in the morning. I could feel his whole beautiful heart on mine. I would hold my face against his and tell him every morning he was a good boy. And he would stay just like this, until I got what I needed. He was like a Disney Park Character, never first to let go of a hug.
Over the coming days & weeks, we will start to identify how our family looks without our sweet boy.
And while I try to focus on the joy of those 11 years, I am not just grieving Nacho. I’m grieving the loss of time. I’m grieving with guilt and pain of what I could’ve done differently to prevent his story ending this way. It wasn’t supposed to go this way.
He was supposed to walk the kids down the aisle.
There were signs. I took him to our vet a handful of times in the last four years as he seemed to be going through some kind of episode (for other dog parents, his eyes would be rolling into the back of his head, and he would be trembling almost like a stroke… they didn’t last long but they were scary). I realize now, it was the tumour forming. Why didn’t I advocate for him more? How did I not realize he was suffering? Endless what ifs and questions that will never get answered consume me.
But my biggest regret… that will change me forever, is that of the lost time.
Wasted Time
Not just time passing but WASTED time, specific to Nacho’s passing but something I painfully recognize from the last 10 or so years as it relates to my life with my children, Justin, Mom, Dad, friends… where did the time go and how have I spent that time? I have regrets.
And the most recent regret starts with our recent trip to Hawaii. It’s not Hawaii that I regret, but what happened when we got to Hawaii. On February 13th, we went to Hawaii to bond with our children, our family, and each other. A place that we have been going to since the year I met Justin, it feels like home for us, where we can partially disconnect, rest our bodies, and focus on those deep connections with our children.
Despite navigating a challenging situation that one of my businesses was facing, as well as the political climate between the USA and Canada… we still decided to go on our trip to Maui. The trip was pre-booked months ago, and no one could have predicted the shit show, for the lack of better word, that was hitting us this very week.
While being in Maui, I felt there was still joy to share with my community. After all, sharing this type of content has been the foundation of my entire business. To share love, joy, inspiration, connection and community.
We have generously shared these moments and so many intimate parts of our life with this community over the last 15 years. We have shared births, deaths, engagements, mental struggles… the good and the bad, the deepest part of our lives, we have shared with you. Most times it’s beautiful, how our life has also become our very public career. But sometimes, it is so so cruel.
While we shared our trip in those first few days… the majority of you were lovingly supportive.
But the small handful of comments that came in, full of judgment, shame, spite… was enough to send us spiralling. This is not new to me. This is something I have struggled with since the day I made my life public. Unfortunately, I have never really figured out a way to get used to it.
On top of navigating a challenging business situation, and trying to grapple with the disappointment and expectations of strangers on the Internet regarding us travelling to the US during the Tariff threats… our first week in Maui was a write off. I was not present and I was full of anxiety, defeating our main purpose of the trip.
About 6 days into our trip, my in-laws asked us to go to church. If you are this far into the blog you know that I don’t attend church often. But I love experiencing local culture and felt the experience and shift in energy would be good for my soul and our family. So we went. And I am telling you it was the most BEAUTIFUL experience.
As we sat down, the father asked who was new or visiting. He asked those visiting to stand up and when we did, the entire congregation clapped, he asked where we were from and we said Canada. Then a little Hawaiian boy, who could not have been more than five years old, came up with beautiful seashell necklaces and put them on our necks. In that moment, my heart cracked in half and it took everything in me to hold back the tears.
In that very beautiful moment, it made me realize how the narrative these days has consumed us so much… that many of us have become so divided, so quick to judge. Instead of presuming goodwill and prioritizing what we need the most right now, which is community, trust, goodness, and faith in humankind.
Instead, we are letting toxic voices consume us, overcome us with fear and pain and anger.
I choked back the tears through the entire service but I have so much gratitude for that day, and I will hold onto that necklace forever.
After our church experience I looked to Justin and told him… “I think we need to extend our trip. I owe it to the kids”
So we did.
What those three extra days would eventually cost me is something I will never forgive myself for.
Please stay with me so I can explain.
Losing Nacho
Melissa (our Nanny who stays with the dogs while we are gone) had her own family trip booked, scheduled to leave the day we were supposed to return… which meant just for three short days the dogs had to go to a home-based kennel now. Somewhere they’ve been before and somewhere they loved.
But this time, little did I know… Nacho was in his final days.
He was suffering. And he needed us. He needed to be at home.
The second we picked him up we knew that something was very wrong.
On top of grieving Nacho, this is what I cannot let go of… I would give ANYTHING, to go back to February 13th.
To drown out the noise. Stand firm in my priorities and decisions. Focus on my family. Shut off my phone. Instead I foolishly let it all consume me. And lately I have been spiraling thinking about ALL of the times over the last 10 years, I have wasted time like this… in an effort to please others.
I have failed all of those times.. And that time is now gone.
I have learned so much about myself over the years with this incredible opportunity that I have on this platform. Because of those learnings, specifically in the last few years, I have made a lot of changes. I have tried SO HARD to not let the expectations of others consume me. I even wrote a keynote on how to “Live Your Life For Joy and Not Approval” but I still grapple with this concept every day.
Yes, this career has brought me a beautiful life that I’m so grateful for. It has also brought me a deep connection with kind, compassionate people around the world… But it has also brought me pain. And I have let it happen over and over again.
I regret it so badly, not just for the pain I allowed in my own heart but for the time it has taken me away from my kids, my partner, my hobbies, my family, my friends, my own self… from Nacho. I am the only one to blame for the wasted time.
If we had not extended our trip, the results would have been the same, but we would have been able to see our boy acting himself in his final days. And I let that be taken from me.
I can’t live my life WORRYING ABOUT THE SATISFACTION OF OTHERS when that time can be spent doing so many more purposeful things. I am proud of who I am. How I have made my life and career purposeful. I know I won’t get it right in everyone’s eyes and I have to learn to be ok with that.
I know if I don’t, I will regret it. And now I know that regret hurts more than the fear of not being liked.
Moving Forward
My biggest takeaway from all of this, that I wish I didn’t have to learn the hard way, is that time is fleeting.
You blink and it’s gone. You can’t get time back.
So live your life for YOU and don’t allow outside noise to intrude your thoughts and let it affect the way you show up for yourself and your family.
If you take anything away from this, please let it be this, to make the time we have on this earth count.
I leave you with my favourite video of all time. Your life in Jelly Beans.
Every time I watch it, it’s a reality check as to how much time we have left. How do I want to spend that time… How do you?
xo
Jilly
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Wonderfly said. I’m crying so hard right now for you. Keep up the good work and please remember all the good work you have done. ❤️
Thank you for this beautiful message.
Appreciate and love you so much, Jillian! Thinking a lot about you and your sweet family right now 🩵. And of course that sweet Nacho boy who had the best life! All words we need to live by now more than ever…sending love from the US 💔.
Beautiful. So beautiful. Thank you for always being true to yourself and to shine your light, even in your darkness moments. I’ve been a “friend” (aka follower) since your early days and I appreciate you. Stay strong xx
Amen Jill. Thank you for sharing your family including your handsome Nacho❤️sending you hugs.
You made the best decision at the time for all your family. Please dont beat yourself up! You are trying your best to balance life with a job and unfortunately time passes by very quickly. Love is all that really matters and you have that in spades. And you gave Nacho more love than many dogs will ever experience. You are doing your best and you are an excellent role model for young and older women. Now you are stopping to realize time does not stop for anyone. This is the journey of life. I am a lot older than you and I have already learned many of these life lessons but the passage of time and losing those you love, four legged or otherwise, is still really hard. Grief is Love ❤️
Awh Jill, I’ve been a fan of you since your days on the Bachelor and then the Bachelorette. This was beautiful to read, your family is wonderful and I hope you know there are SO many people cheering you on! My heart breaks for your family, with the loss of sweet Nacho. I also hate that you feel this way, haters are always going to hate – shake it off, shake it off, shake it off! 🎵 Love you!!!!
So well said My heart breaks for your family. I only saw Nacho through the screen but I was even devastated to hear of his passing he reminded me so much of our Zoey girl who passed away at 11 as well. Thinking of all of you and healing in this painful time ❤️
Thank you for sharing yourself and your life with us. My heart is extended to you and your family as you navigate a new chapter of your lives. I hope you eat all the jelly beans and savour every one. The red one of your heart – the yellow of the sunshine – the green of the beautiful world around you – the black of sad days that lead to the white light ahead – the orange of the sunsets yet to be seen and the pink of new life growing in your garden. Yes jelly beans are a whole collection of life and they are all good. Lots of love and support.
Thank you
I know you don’t see it now, but your story will have a ripple effect on the rest of us who take the time to connect and resonate with any part of it.
While you can’t change what happened, your internal reflection and growth (in time) will not only have a personal impact, but impact all of us you connect with through your stories (and in your own personal life).
Perhaps Nacho’s passing will have an even bigger impact than he did during his beautiful 11 years on this earth.
You gave that boy a chance in life and now he will give all the rest of us a chance at better life if we reflect as you have on what truly matters ❤️
What a brave and courageous post. Sending big hugs to you and your family. So sorry for your loss of Nacho.
Jill I have just read your emotional blog . When turmoil or overwhelming sadness happens in our lives we do as best we can . We think we are alone in our unique and specific situations of our lives . As you know my family lost everything in the McDougall Fire . The house the property our buisness and my beautiful cat … we were traumatized to say the least . Had to relocate ended up purchasing a house to find out my beautiful husband diagnosed with cancer . Surgery followed by radiation
Time ticking as you say. 3 years of heartbreak loss stress . I am overjoyed to say my partner is now cancer free. Every single day is a gift . There is no value in life by increasing its speed . Do what you love . You have kindred spirits we are mere mortals after all only doing the best we can . Sending you a big hug . 💕you will be ok .
Lise .
Your feelings are all valid, and understandable, and thank you for sharing them with us ❤️
I hope that you are able to give yourself grace and forgiveness, for the things that happened before you were able to learn the lesson. For the things that will inevitably happen before you learn the next multiple variables to that earlier lesson, and on and on.
We are all human, which is to say we are messy, and we make mistakes. And sometimes we make them for a long time. And sometimes it turns out we were the only ones who noticed them, or even saw them as mistakes. Sometimes they are actually blessings that we can’t see yet, because of how they will shape our next chapters.
I believe firmly that these lessons that we never wanted to have to learn – that’s all part of being human and living life. And it’s the act of reflection, and creating space for purposeful intentions moving forward – that’s what levels us up. It’s just unfortunate that we were never taught that leveling up could hurt so much.
Thank you for sharing your life with us, for being so vulnerable. For creating community. For showing us it’s okay to falter, to not know the path, to change directions. I don’t say this to make you feel like you have to keep doing it (you don’t!) but so that you hopefully know and feel that you’ve not wasted all of this time.
Sounds like Nacho had a big purpose in his final days to teach and that is no accident as all decisions aligned. He will rest in peace knowing his message came through 🥰😇🥹and that your listening to him
I’m so sorry for your families loss. I’m sorry that strangers ruined your vacation because they put their own expectations and opinions on you. That’s not fair. I truly can’t imagine what life as an influencer must be like- the constant comparisons, opinions, comments. I’m just a stranger that follows you and your family for the laughs, love, cute things… I love to see and hear about your happiness, success, thoughts, vacations- all of it! Take time for you and your family. Turn off those comments! You deserved a beautiful trip with your beautiful family, three days extra and all. Everything happens for a reason. There’s a reason why your family needed 3 extra days with you in the sun and sand. Be well 💜
I have been struggling with the loss of my father, and it is so hard some days I am shutting myself off from my children…taking time to myself to regroup. Thank you for this beautiful reflection on time and how we spend it. I will be carrying this with me ❤️ my sincere condolences to your family at this difficult time.
Thank you…for everything thing. You are remarkable.
Jillian,
My heart goes out to you and your family during this immense loss of your boy, Nacho. I felt your pain deeply through the words and emotions you bravely shared.
Not having children of our own, our dogs are our kids, and we’ve experienced the heartache of losing our first two boys far too soon—Charlie at 2.5 years and Stanley at 5 years—to DCM. Through that loss, we learned they had taught us valuable lessons, and we now hold on tightly to those lessons to honour their spirit as we move forward.
Nacho may be leaving you physically, but let him live on by honouring the lesson he left you—to protect your time, especially when life becomes hectic. He’ll always be by your side, supporting you. 🤍
If I can share something that helped us immensely after losing our sweet Stanley—it’s that no matter how much time passes, they will always hold a place in our hearts and memories. But over time, some memories begin to fade. So, we created a shared family notes page and captured all the memories that were flooding our minds after losing him—from silly nicknames to quirky traits, his favorite things, and, most importantly, the lessons he taught us. Surprisingly, this was incredibly therapeutic, and even three years later, I still look at it and feel joy for the opportunity I had to be his mom.
Sending healing to you and your family. ❤️🩹 xo
Life has a difficult way of teaching us what’s important. I feel the sorrow of the loss of your cherished Nacho & precious time. Thank you for your vulnerability 💕 🐾
Thank you for sharing your life, it has brought much joy to mine. My heart hurts for the pain others have caused you, it’s disheartening, however not unexpected as there are trolls who seek satisfaction from hurting others.
Once again through your pain you are teaching others, providing sound advice to others.
I understand your pain, last year I lost my best girl dog at the age of 11, I didn’t think my heart could hurt so much.
Please take care of YOU, as without a healthy YOU, you cannot take care of others. My motto has always been FAMILY FIRST and I too need this reminder at times.
Much love to you all. Xo
Tried to send you this message in response to your story, but decided to post it here. Thinking of you and your sweet Nacho. This blogpost was beautifully written. Something we should all think more about…it goes by so darn fast. I think of this every single day. I remember when my kids were little- it was so good- but sometimes I was just trying to survive it all! Four kids, two dogs, a husband a business…. It wasn’t easy. Now my kids are 23- a teacher, 21 a Marine in Japan, 18 a soldier in the Army, and 16 thinking about what his future holds….💙 My heart aches at how fast it went by- and yet at the same time I’m so thankful and proud of who they are. But looking back- I would give absolutely anything to take more of it in. To truly feel in those moments and not be so hung up on some of the stuff that I see now wasn’t important! Being a mother is hard stuff- we worry about so much- and try for this balance- that at times doesn’t feel possible. Know you aren’t alone in all of it… so many of us have felt these feelings that you are feeling too. Nacho was lucky to have you…♥️
Thank you for your vulnerability in this blog post, I can feel your pain through your words and it breaks my heart. While all of us reading can tell you this is not a result of you wasting time, this is something that you need to feel, express to those around you to heal.
This is not your fault, but I understand the regret.
I lost my husband to cancer when he was 36 years old and I had 3 small girls under 5 years old at the time. And it’s been 14 years of me pondering what I could have done differently to try and keep him here, what I could have said to him knowing he was going to leave his earth…so many what ifs…but I know I loved him with every core of my being….as you did Nacho. He knew.
My heart is with your family at this time and I pray that you all have the strength to navigate this new normal without Nacho. Thank you for sharing your deepest thoughts with us, it really helps others out life into perspective, the jelly bean video really got to me. Time is a thief…..but it’s up to us to LIVE the best we can 🩷🩷🩷
Thank you for being so honest and vulnerable. This is so healing to read. Not that I’m an influencer or anyone of significance. I just know, how sudden loss makes you reflect. Your openness to what you have learned and what you have shared is such a good reminder for those who may need it. For me, it made me feel like I’m not alone. I feel I spend most of my days regretting time I’ve lost. Anxiety can rip through and remind you of all the ways you’ve f$&!ed up. It never reminds you of all the good you’ve done though. It never reminds you of the people you have helped, the memories you’ve given your family, the life you’ve created. This journey of growing, learning and truly feeling and experiencing life isn’t always an easy path. Your openness to it shows the world that your right where you are because your willing to continue to grow.
I have followed you for more years than I can count. I have watched you in all the stages (woah, that sounds creepy! It’s not I promise.) I have celebrated with you, cried with you and encouraged you from the shadows. You’re never alone. I know the voices of haters can sometimes seem stronger but that’s just because they are a frequency that your soul isn’t use to not suppose to hear so they stand out and seem to overshadow the gift of everyone else with you.
I’m not going to say grief gets better with time. You have lost people and know that’s not true. I’m not even going to say we adjust to life without them! That’s also some bullshit. We are just forced to do it. It changes us. Makes us a little quieter, makes us look for those we have lost in every single cloud we see or song that comes on the radio. We wonder to ourselves, did we always talk or think about them this much when they were alive? Or is it because our fear of forgetting one memory is so strong and terrifying that we have to make sure that never happens. Whatever it is, once thing I know is that our hearts grow. Our capacity for people, compassion and making sure we never hurt someone or they have to hurt like we do becomes a fibre in our daily existence.
Take your time while you adjust to your life that has been thrown at you. Grieve the moments you have lost. Embrace the ones you had. And above all, know that you have created a life for your amazing family that when all the phones are off and everyone is in bed. You have created and built a home of love, of values, morals and generosity. You have built a home with Justin that has 2 kids learning to be good people. You’ve done exactly what you were put here to do.
Much love,
Alesha
Sending heartfelt hugs & gratitude for this post. Hugs to you, Justin, Leo, Annie and peaches.
I left a career in veterinary nursing after saying goodbye to too many best boys & good girls. The animals were at peace, but the owners were broken. It was too hard to watch daily. It’s a pain like no other.
As for lost or wasted time, all I can say is (Jilly Academy alumni here 🙂 you jumped onto my feed one day in a red dress popping a bottle of bubbly. I signed up screaming “take my money!”
That course and YOU changed the trajectory of my business goals. Thank you!
I once read that “to avoid criticism we should do nothing, say nothing & be nothing.” (I still think someone will find fault!)
Stay strong ❤️