As many of you may know, mental health illness has been something that has impacted my family for as long as I can remember. I say family because if you have a loved one who is experiencing a mental health crisis, you will know that it affects the entire family and support system.
Over the years, trying to find resources to help support my mom has been gruelling. The system is so broken, and my heart goes out to anyone experiencing a mental health crisis.
May is Mental Health Awareness Month, so in honour of this important month, I’m thrilled to welcome Rob and the team at First Session, a platform helping you find the right therapist, to the blog to share actionable tips on how to support a loved one with their mental health. Take it away, TEAM!
It can be incredibly hard to watch someone you love seem so unlike themselves. Maybe they’ve pulled away. Maybe they seem more irritable, anxious, overwhelmed, or exhausted than usual. Maybe you just have a gut feeling that something isn’t right.
But you’re afraid to reach out. “What if I make things worse? What if I overstep a boundary? What if they think I’m too pushy? What if they shut me out? What if…?”
If that sounds familiar, I want you to know that you’re not alone. It’s normal to be hesitant when we’ve never been taught how to support someone who might be struggling.
In a previous article, we talked about the warning signs. In this one, we’ll talk about what support can actually look like after that moment.
You Don’t Need the Perfect Words
Let’s get this out of the way early, because it’s probably the thing holding you back the most. You do not need to have the perfect words. We often put so much pressure on ourselves to get these moments right. Searching for exactly the right thing to say, at exactly the right time, in exactly the right tone, we end up saying nothing at all. However, the truth is that a clumsy, honest, heartfelt attempt will always mean more than silence. All they need is your presence and to know that someone is there for them and isn’t going away.
Start with a Gentle Check-In
Find a quiet, private moment where it’s just the two of you and bring up your concern. People can feel when you’re tiptoeing around something, and it can make them feel anxious. So be calm and direct. “I statements” are a safe way to bring up what you’re noticing, without sounding accusatory.
“I feel like you haven’t been yourself lately. How are you doing?”
“I’ve noticed you seem a bit overwhelmed, and I just wanted to check in.”
“You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to, but I’m here.”
“I care about you, and I wanted to make sure you’re okay.”
There’s a big difference between “I wanted to check in because I’ve been noticing that you seem a bit off lately. Is this something you’re feeling?” and “You’ve been snapping at everyone, you’re never around anymore, and honestly I’m worried you’re falling apart.” The first one opens a door. The second one slams it right in their face.
Don’t try to force a deep conversation on the spot. Just create a small opening and let them decide how far to walk through it. Some people will open up right away. Others will say they’re fine and mean it. Others will say they’re fine and not mean it, but they’ll remember that you asked.
Help Them Feel Heard
When they finally open up, your first instinct might be to offer solutions or put a positive spin on things. “Have you tried going on a walk?” “Everything happens for a reason.” “You just need to stay positive.” “Everyone goes through this.” “At least…” We’ve probably all said or heard these things at some point in our lives. They’re the kind of phrases people reach for when they don’t know what else to say, and they usually come with the best of intentions. You don’t want to see your loved one hurting, so you want to fix it. But this can be invalidating and communicate that what they’re feeling is wrong, too much, or something they should move past.
Instead, pause and listen. Truly listen. Sit with it.
“That sounds really hard.”
“Thanks for telling me.”
“I’m really glad you said that.”
“That makes sense.”
“I’m here with you.”
These communicate that you’re here, witnessing and accepting their pain. A 2018 study found that people who habitually accept their negative emotions and thoughts, rather than judging them as bad or pushing them away, tended to experience better psychological health over time. When you sit with someone in their pain without trying to fix it or reframe it, you’re modelling that acceptance. You’re showing them that what they feel is allowed.
Keep Showing Up
A short text the next day that says, “Hey, just thinking about you.” Checking in again a week later. Helping with something practical, like picking up groceries or bringing over a home-cooked meal. Inviting them for a walk. Keeping the space open for them to talk without forcing it.
These may seem too small to matter, but they often mean everything to someone who’s struggling. Research shows that believing that support is available is often more important for well-being than the support actually received. It’s almost like an anchor that keeps them connected to a world that feels far away.
If Therapy Comes Up
At some point, you might feel like professional support could really help the person you care about. You might be right. You just have to bring it up carefully.
If someone doesn’t seem open to the idea, don’t push. Pushing someone to change before they’re ready can make them defensive, angry, or uncooperative, according to a well-known framework called the Stages of Change model.
The decision to seek professional help is deeply personal, and it often takes time. You can’t make that decision for them. In fact, you shouldn’t. Lasting change needs to come from within. When someone is pressured into therapy before they’re ready, they might go through the motions without ever truly engaging with the process. When that external pressure passes, they’re more likely to slip back into old patterns, because the motivation was never really theirs.
All you can do is make sure they know the option is there and that you’ll walk beside them if they ever want to take it.
“If you ever want extra support, I’d be happy to help you find someone.”
“No pressure at all, but therapy has helped a lot of people I know.”
“If you ever want to look at options together, I’m here.”
“You don’t have to figure everything out on your own.”
If (and only if) they are ready to start searching for a therapist, you can offer to help if they’re open to it. First Session is a website that makes it easy to find the right therapist. Each therapist has a video profile so it’s easy to choose the right fit.
If It Feels Right, Share Your Own Experience
If you have your own experience with therapy or mental health support, and you feel comfortable sharing it, that honesty can mean a lot. It can reduce stigma, normalize seeking help, and make a person feel less alone in what they’re going through.
It might sound like:
“I know it’s different for everyone, but therapy helped me a lot.”
“I was nervous at first too.”
“What helped me was finding someone who felt like a good fit.”
“You don’t have to do what I did, but I’m happy to share if it’s helpful.”
Be real about what it actually looked like. It probably wasn’t a quick fix. It was probably uncomfortable, maybe even painful at times. It probably took a few tries to find the right therapist. You might have even wanted to quit. Let them know that the process is allowed to be messy and imperfect but still worth it.
Make sure you’re not taking over the conversation because this is still their moment. If you notice yourself talking more about your experience than listening to theirs, gently bring it back.
Respect Their Pace
We’ve said it throughout this article, but it deserves its own moment: respect their pace. They may not be ready to open up right away. Perhaps, they need time to trust that it’s safe to let you in. That’s okay. Don’t force them into things they’re not ready for. Leave the door open so they can walk through it when it feels right for them.
Know When It May Be Urgent
If someone talks about hopelessness or not wanting to be here anymore, if there are signs they may hurt themselves or someone else, if they seem severely confused or disconnected from reality, if they’re unable to care for themselves, they may require more than your support alone.
In both Canada and the U.S., call 9-1-1 or go to the nearest emergency room if someone’s life is in danger, and call 9-8-8 if they’re experiencing emotional distress or a suicidal crisis. Local and provincial crisis services may also be available depending on where you are.
Supporting Someone You Love Can Be Hard on You Too
We’ve just covered how to talk to the person you’re worried about. But before we close, I want to talk about you for a moment because loving someone through a hard stretch can be very heavy on it’s own.
It can bring up helplessness, when nothing you do seems to make a difference. Fear, when you don’t know how serious things are. Guilt, when you wonder if you’re doing enough or doing something wrong. Frustration, when they won’t accept help or when progress feels painfully slow. Over time, if you’re not careful, it can lead to burnout.
You have to put your own oxygen mask on before you can help someone else. Self-care makes everything else in this article possible. Check in with your own mental health, consider your own needs, notice when you might need a break, and set boundaries. You can’t (and likely shouldn’t) try to become a person’s entire support system. That’s too much for one person to carry, and it’s not sustainable for either of you.
If you’re feeling the weight of this, consider reaching out to someone you trust. It can be a friend, a family member, or even a professional (there are therapists who specialize in caregiver burnout). The same things we’ve talked about in this article apply to you, too. You deserve to feel heard. You deserve to feel supported.
You don’t need the perfect script. You don’t need to fix everything. You don’t need to force someone into help before they’re ready. What matters most is helping someone feel loved, seen, heard, and not alone and reminding them that support is there when they’re ready for it.
Helpful educational, mental health resources and organizations that can help you if you’re concerned about someone you love:
First Session is a nationwide directory of qualified therapists, counsellors and social workers across Canada. Browse videos of each professional to make the right choice the first time.
Canada-wide, there are nonprofit and government-funded organizations like the Canadian Mental Health Association (CMHA) that can help direct you to services that will work for you.
You can find a therapist in the US using directories like Psychology Today and Therapy Den.
If you or anyone you know is in a crisis or may be in danger, please use the following resources to get immediate help.
Talk Suicide Canada
Call or text 988 (24/7, Canada-wide)
Kids Help Phone
1 800 668-6868 (24/7) or text CONNECT to 686868; Languages: English and French
Hope for Wellness Help Line (available to all Indigenous peoples)
1 (855) 242-3310
